Anticipation

My last night before I return for my follow up session with Ms Sterling. I am filled with a sense of anticipation and excitement. Last session she mentioned that she was going to do something to my cock "I wasn't going to like," which has been making me squirm all week.

The week in chastity has been very interesting and filled with lots of waves of frustration and waking up several times a night, while my cock tried to get hard in its cage.

The week with no pornography has probably been good for me, in a number of ways. It has kept my attention on Ms Sterling, rather than looking at bondage pictures and movies. It has also likely reduced my suffering and blue balls (which are bad enough as is).

I am really looking forward to the session and can't wait to find out what is in store for me.

Journal Entry

Last night was very rough. Unlike other times when I have worn my belt, I can't adjust it this time to make the tingling stop. It kept me up almost all night last night, squirming and letting my mind race to think about what Wednesday will hold for me.

My whole body is on edge. I am sure I will sleep tonight after a long day of work, lunch and dinner out.

The diapers I am wearing are also working on me, especially when I am in public.

Journal Entry

Today was much better than last night. I managed to get quite a bit of work done and was able to focus better than I have been in a while. My cock is still pretty much tingling all the time and I am not really getting used to it.

One of the effects of not looking at porn has been that my thoughts are constantly returning to Ms Sterling, thinking of our session and wondering what she will do to me next week. It is only a few days away now and I am starting to get very anxious again.

I have been wearing diapers all the time now, but tomorrow will be a true test, as it will be my first day back to work wearing them. That has me very nervous.

I have also been fantasizing about Ms Sterling using my mouth to stuff humiliating and gross things in it to embarrass me. I still think about to her sitting me down, looking me in the eye and shaming me about my needs and fetishes. That conversation, like so much of last week's session, continues to work on me.

Journal Entry

It was a fairly quiet day for me which I spent most of resting. I am still having periods of frustration and when I do I think, almost obsessively about Ms Sterling. Last night, my cock woke me up twice again, the last time at 6:00 and I did not get back to sleep.

I keep thinking about our bondage session. The intensity, how much I loved it, how I have never really experienced anything like it and how it makes me feel to be so helpless, immobilized, at her mercy.

I will think those thoughts tonight as I drift to sleep I am sure, hoping not to get too stimulated.

Journal Entry

Another long day of work. Although today I had two unusual experiences. One was getting waves of frustration out of the blue during the day, finding it nearly impossible to hold still and being completely unable to relieve any of the tingling in my cock. The other thing that happened was that the frustration, which I am used to feeling in small, but intense, waves is lasting much much longer now. Sometimes 40 minutes to a hour.

I have managed to avoid porn again today.

After work and after I wrote you, I put on my diaper. I am assuming that is what you want me to do with them. If not, I will stop wearing them immediately.

I am thinking of you constantly, distracted in my thoughts, which keep wandering back to you, replaying small parts of our session over and over in my head. Without thinking about them, they just pop into my thoughts. Our conversation at the beginning, watching you on the chair with the tape. Smelling you while you smothered me when I was bound. So many powerful thoughts and feelings.

Journal Entry

Most of my day was spent working with a colleague from 9 am to 5 pm. I was a little tired this morning, because my cock woke me up twice last night (once at 2am and once at 4am) getting hard in its cage. On the way home, I stopped and purchased my diapers, as required. It was very humiliating, I made sure to go to a store where I wouldn't know anyone or run into people. I am incredibly embarrassed by even having them here.

Tonight I have been working on some site programming and feeling very jittery because my cock keeps tingling. When I feel this way normally I would masturbate, but I am unable to even touch myself. Writing this now is making me feel very frustrated, thinking of you. It has been very hard to stay away from pornography. I have been chatting with some friends on IM, but I have not looked at anything on the TV or the computer, though I am constantly tempted. Every time I think about it and what you are denying me, it makes the frustration grow. I feel ashamed of my addiction and controlled by you completely.

I am getting waves of frustration and I get affected very easily if a cute girl walks by or watching TV or even the news.

I also wanted to say that yesterday, our session was really really good for me. Apart from everything else, you taught me how to be a better submissive. And for that I am very grateful.

Session Review (Part 1)

I just returned from a day long session with Ms Sterling. It was incredibly intense and hit on just about every aspect of what I crave in a session: it was physical, psychological and emotional. A blow by blow review would end up as a novella, so let me hit the high points.

As usual, I was cuffed the moment I stepped through the door and was not out of bondage for the entire day. Ms Sterling attached a small clamp device with two silver balls to the inside of my nose and clamped it, taking hold of the attached silver chain and led my up the stairs, blushing. By my nose.

Once upstairs, she dressed me and put me in diapers. I remained cuffed with my hands behind my back, squirming as she sat in front of me and had a very frank and very humiliating discussion with me about my fetishes, which I had logged for her over the previous week. She explained very clearly what was wrong with me and that since I wasn't any kind of threat, my treatment would consist mostly of torture and control. Needless to say, I was squirming, whimpering and finding it impossible to sit still.

In the past, Ms Sterling has been very clear that she has no patience for whiny little bitches. This time, I learned the hard way. I was led to a soundproof dark closet and chained to a very uncomfortable metal chair. She close the door and barred it, leaving me alone and isolated. I called out for her, I whimpered and cried. I could hear her walking around, but mainly she was ignoring me. Finally after god knows how long, she opened the door and told me that the only way I was getting out if I could prove to her that I could be quiet and accepting of my fate, that I could dutifully follow her rules and obey without complaining or whimpering.

I sat quietly, hearing her walking around, knowing she was just outside, trying to calm my mind and get into the right frame of mind to serve her.

Using a large dildo, Ms Sterling taught me how to suck a cock and watched while I performed for her.

I was taken to the medical area and strapped down to the table where Ms Sterling further tormented me, especially tormenting my nipples.

From there, she caged me in a very small, heavy iron cage, manacled and gagged. Inside the cage, Ms Sterling covered me several times with spit and eventually sat over me on the cage and drenched me in her pee.

Then we went downstairs . . .

Downstairs got very intense. First I was strapped to a bench, legs spread with an Eros Tek anal plug inserted. The machine worked on my ass while I watched Ms Sterling in front of me torment me with my most embarrassing fetishes. She drove me absolutely insane, teasing me with things I crave so much: so close, forced to watch, but never allowed to have it. Watching her enjoy my fetishes while my bottom throbbed and pulsed from the Eros Tek drove me absolutely crazy. I desperately started humping the air, trying to get some sensation in my caged cock. Nothing helped.

The last part of the day was a very intense bondage scene, with me in a full leather body bag, hooded, gagged, and at points blindfolded. The Eros Tek continued to work on me.

As I dropped deeper and deeper into sub space, I found myself totally lost in a feeling of helplessness and surrender. I wanted to give Ms Sterling something special, I wanted to give myself to her totally.

As best as I could, through my gag, I pleaded with her. "Torture me."

She made me repeat it, maybe to be sure, maybe to let what I had just said sink in.

I have no idea how long it lasted or what exactly she did, but my mouth was stuffed with a latex flat plug. Without warning, she squeezed a pump and the latex bladder filled, completely stuffing my mouth. Another squeeze and a second ball in the back inflated, totally sealing my mouth, my cheeks bulging like a chipmunk.

And then she started. Pinching my nipples, clamping them, tormenting them with a high powered vibrator until they burned. It started to get bad and I tried to scream. I tried to kick and squirm, but the bondage was too tight. Finally she stopped and I regained some composure, thinking she was done. Almost immediately she assaulted my nipples again, this time just as intense, but longer. She wasn't stopping and I couldn't do anything. I flailed as best as I could. Finally, after I squirmed and bucked so much I managed to shift my position, she finally stopped.

She stopped to strap my down to the table, making even flailing impossible. And then she went back to torturing me.

The peace and surrender evaporated. It was finding it harder and harder to hang on. I was crying. Yet at the same time, it was feeding something deep inside me. I was hers, totally and completely. Everytime she stopped, I waited in fear for her to start torturing me again. The bondage and gag felt oppressive, extreme. Being unable to move started to scare me, but it was fear in what I knew was a safe context. She was going to hurt me as much as she wanted, for as long as she wanted. All I could do was accept that. I had no control. My helplessness, my surrender felt like the most important thing I could give her. I needed to be hers and for that time and in that moment, I was hers. There was no more me, except for what she allowed. I would feel what she wanted me to feel. She was deep inside my head and I loved having her there.

When she finally freed me from the sack, I was so deep in subspace I am not sure I knew where I was. She took my hands and immediately recuffed them, leaving the hood on until the very end. With my hands cuffed and taped into paws, she ordered me to dress as best as I could. I fumbled with my clothes while she watched me. Eventually she cut my hands free and buttoned my pants and fastened my belt for me.

I was diapered under my clothes, still wearing her scent from the day, and locked in my chastity belt when she led me to the door, uncuffed me, and sent me on my way.

As I walked down the street to head home, I felt a mixture of pride, deep sadness, elation, and devotion. Part of me wished I could have stayed there forever. Another part was proud of what I did. Yes another felt a very deep desire to serve and surrender to Ms Sterling again.

As I write this, it is almost six hours later and I am still recovering from sub space. I will spend this week locked in chastity, following her instructions. I will return to her for a second session next week, not knowing what it will hold for me. But secure in my faith that all I need to do is trust and follow her instructions and she will lead me where I need to go.

Things that make me feel ashamed

I've been thinking of all the different things that tap into the areas of my mind that blur the distinction between shame and arousal; the things that excite me to feel humiliated about. Here is a beginning list:

-My love and need for bondage. It is a very deep fetish, but also one that makes me feel embarrassed, even the word makes me blush and squirm. I crave total helplessness, exposure, complete surrender. I think about prolonged immobilization, sensory deprivation. Doing it with someone who will be turned on or excited to see me that way. Being forced to endure discomfort or pain when there is nothing I can do about it, not even beg her to stop.

-Being scolded and lectured to. Especially about embarrassing things that she may force me to confront. Making me feel deeply ashamed. Making sure I know that she knows my secrets. She is judging me about them and it will define our relationship.

-I have been recently been finding myself strongly drawn to Japanese BDSM images and movies. Seeing these beautiful women struggling, bound, and humiliated. I also love the harsh femdom from Japan, as it often features groups of younger women cruelly humiliating men, with lots of laughter and serious degradation.

-My fetish for tape is also very intense. Seeing it, seeing women play with it, watching them use it for bondage. Things that all get to me deeply.

-I have also been thinking a lot about worshiping womens' sweaty, smelly underarms and feet. It is so degrading not only to do it but to be so excited by it.

-In addition to my love of chastity, I have cravings for total sexual frustration, to feel a deep need for things I am unable to have.

-Being laughed at, mocked, ridiculed. The more deeply, the better. I need the shame to keep growing, knowing every time I return it will burn more deeply in my soul. But also knowing, I can't stop coming back.

My Armpit Fetish

I was having trouble concentrating and thought about looking on YouTube to see if there was any videos that might tease me and that I could show Ms Sterling as examples of things that get to me and I found these:







I couldn't make it through any of these without having to ice.

Intense Bondage

I just finished reading over the article featuring Ms Sterling again on SeriousBondage.com. It makes me weak to look at it, thinking and hoping I may be in for something similar. I love the intensity, the severity, the over the top quality. My last visit was a bondage experience unlike anything I have ever done and as intense as anything I have imagined (and I can imagine quite a bit!)

My mind keeps going back to a post I read from Ms Sterling on ASD. Talking about a straitjacket, she wrote "I can use it along with and layered on top of/ below lots of other bondage." This is a Domme who sees a straitjacket as a layer of bondage! The thought alone drives me crazy!

More Thoughts

As I was looking through a number of sites I frequent, I came across this image and it made me feel very excited (so much so that I had to do an ice bath).

The bondage, the teasing with the vibrators taped to her, the humiliation of the nose hook all make me wish, deep inside, that it could be me. I have always thought that women look so beautiful bound. I wonder what it would be like to feel that, experience it, be so beautiful and so humiliated. I love japanese nose hooks, something about them drives me crazy.

Preparation

Yesterday I was able to talk to Ms Sterling about some preparation for my upcoming sessions. In addition to this log, I am prohibited from masturbating anymore, which has been quite a challenge because I can think about almost nothing else except for our upcoming session. The other assignment is that whenever I get hard, I am to put my hard cock in an ice bath until the erection subsides.

I have had four ice baths in the last two days. It has been hard to stop myself from looking at things that excite me, so I am sure I will be having a lot more ice baths from now on.

Silent Torture

I was inspired looking today at pictures from the Institute of how it would feel to be completely immobilized, unable to hear, see, or sense anything, except through my nose, which could be used to force me to smell your pee, your armpits, your dirty socks, or your panties.

My cock is hooked up to the Eros Tek and I can't do anything except accept what you choose to do to me, for as long as you choose to do it. No begging, no way to hear your voice. No way to see you to try to guess what you are thinking. Just bondage and torment.

More Teasing

Two adorable Dommes teasing a guy in chastity. Unfortunately no sound (at least for me), but it was still intense to watch:

Japanese Bondage

I spent some time looking at videos of Japanese bondage. One of the things I really love about Japanese S&M is the focus (sometimes explicit and sometime implicit) on humiliation. Part of the core of these video is to make the girls look helpless and exposed, but often to take a very beautiful girl and deform her looks and beauty through things like facial bondage, nose hooks, humiliating gags and the like.

I get very turned on watching these pretty girls struggle and be humiliated so deeply.

Chastity Fantasy

This one is simple. Locked into my chastity belt, forced to watch hours of porn non stop, porn that taps into my fetishes and drives me crazy while there is nothing I can do about it except squirm and suffer.

Tape Girls

Tape is a very big fetish for me. The fantasy I had this morning was being bound, totally helpless, unable to move. I am forced to sit and watch as two girls come into the room. They look like they are in their late teens, early twenties. Both very, very cute. Almost a girl next door look, but maybe a little more well to do.

They are dressed in a cute camisole and panties set, cotton with little prints on them, maybe hearts or cherries or something similar. Each girl has a roll of tape and they are laughing and giggling as they each take turns putting tape on each other. Making each other look cute and silly. Just playing with my fetish, with each other. Ignoring me, knowing it is driving me crazy.

They both know it is humiliating for me and driving me insane, which just spurs them on to be more playful, giggly, and cute.

Eventually, the stop and come close, pressing against me, playing with the tape more, tormenting me with it, humiliating me about my fetish, but not doing anything to help me with it.

Humiliation

Inspired by a post I read today on Max Fisch, I have been thinking and fantasizing about what it would be like to live in a society based on female supremacy. As a man, no matter how smart you were, you would always be judged by how you looked. Women would have every advantage. Men would be powerless. Our owners would control us, everything about us. There would be no escape, no reprieve, no way to stop it.

Men would be kept in chastity and humiliating them would be a sport. A man who feels anything but truly inferior would be subject to ridicule and mockery. Men would be told to not think, just look sexy. They would have no rights. Comforts would be reserved for women. Buildings would be segregated. Women would have access to art museums, restaurants, libraries, theater and movies that men could not access.

Men would earn next to nothing and all their earning would go to their owners. Very liberal owners might give their men a very small allowance for personal items.

Masturbation

I find masturbation very humiliating. One of my fantasies is to be lectured and scolded about it, humiliated in front of other girls who laugh at me and then have the ability to touch myself taken away from me by having my cock locked up in chastity by someone who will enjoy making me suffer, seeing me cry, and become totally frustrated and not be able to do anything about it.

My Treatment

After completing an intake session with Ms Tara Sterling in June, I am finally able to return to her in October to continue my treatment. I am scheduling two full day sessions with her, with a week break in between. I anticipate that I will be in chastity for the week in between sessions and that my therapy will be extremely intense with her (as my intake was very intense and she indicated that was "only the beginning").

She has asked me to keep a journal of my fantasies and I am going to use this blog to do it.

Important dates:

10/7 Confirmation Call

10/15 Session One

10/22 Session Two

I am incredibly nervous about this, but also extremely excited.