I've been thinking of all the different things that tap into the areas of my mind that blur the distinction between shame and arousal; the things that excite me to feel humiliated about. Here is a beginning list:
-My love and need for bondage. It is a very deep fetish, but also one that makes me feel embarrassed, even the word makes me blush and squirm. I crave total helplessness, exposure, complete surrender. I think about prolonged immobilization, sensory deprivation. Doing it with someone who will be turned on or excited to see me that way. Being forced to endure discomfort or pain when there is nothing I can do about it, not even beg her to stop.
-Being scolded and lectured to. Especially about embarrassing things that she may force me to confront. Making me feel deeply ashamed. Making sure I know that she knows my secrets. She is judging me about them and it will define our relationship.
-I have been recently been finding myself strongly drawn to Japanese BDSM images and movies. Seeing these beautiful women struggling, bound, and humiliated. I also love the harsh femdom from Japan, as it often features groups of younger women cruelly humiliating men, with lots of laughter and serious degradation.
-My fetish for tape is also very intense. Seeing it, seeing women play with it, watching them use it for bondage. Things that all get to me deeply.
-I have also been thinking a lot about worshiping womens' sweaty, smelly underarms and feet. It is so degrading not only to do it but to be so excited by it.
-In addition to my love of chastity, I have cravings for total sexual frustration, to feel a deep need for things I am unable to have.
-Being laughed at, mocked, ridiculed. The more deeply, the better. I need the shame to keep growing, knowing every time I return it will burn more deeply in my soul. But also knowing, I can't stop coming back.
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